Hello, first time poster. I want to get something of my chest. Well, several things… (I am really sorry if this isn’t the place for this but I don’t really know where else I can post this!)
I am a 32 year old woman, have never been in a serious relationship before, have no real friends. (Real friends in my opinion are people I can call and meet sometimes, who show that they somewhat care about me.) So, now I have been struggling to find people to have a real connection with. I enjoy being on my own, and I am quite introverted, but I miss the joys of going out and doing stuff together. I almost always feel that I am being ignored, and that I am annoying if I do speak up.
Because I am 32, a lot of the people around me are already with enough friends or are already in a relationship or have a family of their own. So they don’t need an older woman to add to their club. (That’s the feeling I get anyway.) When I ask people ‘Hey, that would be fun. Can I come to?’ I feel like a little kid who is asking for attention, and that feels so fucking embarrassing!
I know what I have to do. Going out more, being less anxious and just not overthink every fucking thing and doing the things I love to do! But somehow, it feels so unnatural to do stuff alone. Now I am sitting at home and i’m like. ‘Ok, I NEED to get out. Then I will meet someone, right?’ But whatever I do, people just go around doing their own stuff with others and are not open to other contacts.
The guys I have been dating all just toss me aside after awhile. I get my hopes up and then they just say I am ugly or that they fancy someone else. I am get the feeling that I pick the wrong men. But the guys that show interest in me (the few that do) just… I don’t feel anything for them. How much I tried to get feelings, it’s impossible.
I feel as if I am on a bench. And I am waiting for my real life to start. But when I try to go out more and meet new people, they just.. ignore me, or have already too many friends or they are not interesting to me. I tried sports, theater, going to clubs. But nothing has come out of it.
Sometimes I think my family is to blame. They teased me, never took me serious when I wanted help. I was being bullied at school. My mom never wanted to hug me and touch me. When I told her I had lost my virginity she laughed at me saying ‘I’m really fucking surprised anyone would want you!’
I don’t think I am super ugly or stupid. I am thin, have a good body. My face is a problem maybe… I have a kinda ugly smile so I don’t really smile all that much. I am not autistic or anything, I know how to small talk, just not how to walk up to someone and start talking though… I can be super awkward and shy. But who isn’t a little bit. Right?? I know other peoples boundaries and stay away when they show those signs.
It just seems that I am really unlucky about the people that I am meeting. And when I do meet some people that want to hang out with me they annoy the fuck out of me somehow. Is that just self-protection of some kind? See I something clingy in them that reminds me of myself? I just don’t know it anymore. I don’t want to seem clingy and sad, so I try to not show that but maybe people pick up on that..?
I just want to have people around me that I can have fun with. Laugh at stupid B movies, talk about boys, drinking and going out. I just… I don’t know. I am afraid of my future sometimes. I feel that I might be alone forever. (Dramatic, I know.)
Yesterday we went out with a couple of women from work and they told about their experiences of men talking to them in clubs, and flirting with them, pestering them. I cannot relate at all, and I feel that something is wrong with me. I didn’t say anything about the topic in the group. Don’t want a pity party.
Anyway, are there women out there who can somewhat relate to this? It would mean a lot to me to know that out there I would not be the only one having these feelings.